Suicide, loss and prevention....
In the late evening of September 10th , 2018, my best friend took her last breaths falling from a cliff on Deception Pass. She left behind a legacy – a daughter who had turned 13 less than a month before, a circle of deep, deep friendships, and so many people who loved her and knew her worth. She and I had raised our kids together and co-parented as single mothers. We could always count on each other.
I couldn’t go back and change anything – though I often imagined the scene in Superman where he turned back time to change the outcome. I didn’t have those powers. I laid awake so many nights after – NOW noticing the moments that should have made me concerned. The moments that I could have intervened, but didn’t know how.
Yet, we don’t know what we don’t know.
Therefore, I made it my mission to educate myself and others to be able to step in and save lives. In hindsight – if I knew then what I know now, I’m confident she would be alive.
Here are some signs that I missed or didn’t know what to do with (but you can look for now).
Withdrawing from social activities: For someone who actively participated in events such as birthdays, bbqs, and any social opportunity, it was duly noted that my friend no-showed every event for at least a month before her death. Not a note to say ‘sorry I can’t make it’, just missing in action. My birthday was three weeks before her death, and it was the first one she had ever missed. Red flag.
Changing or stopping medications and therapies: If you are close enough to someone to know about the medications they are on, make sure they understand that they will need more than just doctor support when changing or stopping medications and therapies, they need social support too. This is such a sensitive time, as the brain is trying to rebalance, and many medications have suicidal ideation as a side effect. Also check to see if there is a black box warning on their medications – mixing with substances may prove fatal. This was the case with my friend – though I am not sure if she decided to stop the medication or change, but she was discussing doing both…I do believe medication management played a role in her choices.
Life change or loss: Divorce, break ups, death of loved ones, a diagnosis, loss of a job, giving birth, losing a pet – these changes can disrupt someone’s outlook and wonder if they will be okay again. For my friend, she had just gone through a divorce, and her mother had recently also died by suicide after a few decades of mental illness.
Manic/Depressive episodes/risky behaviors: This isn’t present in every case, but in my friend’s case –the manic episodes were dramatic. These were the types of behaviors that would leave her friends speechless or frightened for her. The depressive episodes were more difficult to see, as she usually kept to herself. She was taking risks that she wouldn’t have otherwise done – like driving fast and erratic or drinking a fifth of Fireball at a party.
Purchasing items or giving items away: Perhaps they purchase something they cannot afford, rack up credit card debt, or make lavish purchases without long term thoughts of consequences. In my friend’s case, she bought a new car the month before her death that we knew she would struggle to afford.
Giving away sentimental items is another red flag. If someone is trying to give you something to remember them by, take notice.
Substance use: Suicide is a leading cause of death among people who misuse alcohol and drugs
(SAMHSA). Opiates, including heroin and prescription drugs are present in 20% of suicide deaths in the U.S. 22% of deaths by suicide involve alcohol intoxication. The night my friend died by suicide; she was under the influence.
They tell you: Yes, sometimes our loved ones come right out and say it, especially if you ask.
Sometimes they post it on social media. My friend did say to me less than a month before her death “I am simply not long for this world.” I didn’t know what to do with that, what questions I should ask, or how to get her help. If we learn to ask the right questions without judgment, you have a pretty good chance that they will honestly tell you how they are feeling. “Are you okay?”, “I am feeling concerned”, “Are you considering suicide?” But what if they are honest with you – and you don’t have a clue what to do with that? That’s when YOU need to look for assistance. You might respond with “Thank you for telling me, and I am going to make sure that you are safe and will find you the help you need.” A great place to start is by calling a help line such as 988, or texting 741741. They are more than happy to help you find local resources. You could make a trip to the emergency room with your friend or loved one. Or, if you live in an area that has Direct Crisis Responders, you can request one to come to you.
I’m thrilled that our first walk-in mental health clinic has opened in Kirkland, and they will take anyone 24/7 to stabilize them and get them the help they need (Connections). This was a dream of mine years ago, and I am so glad to see it as an effective and efficient resource in our backyard.
Connections Kirkland https://connectionshs.com/kirkland (425)-650-4005)
Its been 6 years since my beautiful friend left us. Time does heal, her daughter is thriving now, but we will never be the same. My advice is to turn on your ‘noticing’ skills, learn about resources in your area, listen and make time for your loved ones, and educate yourself on mental health. You could save a life.
Shared in honor of my dear friend,
Barbie Collins Young